The Virus

One morning I logged on to Facebook and there were five posts I made that I did not make. Apparently I was letting Andrea Scrivener, Ali Zumpano and Alex Peri know that I received a free iPad 2 and that they ought to click on this link to do the same. I even told Julia L. Robins that I couldn’t believe how drunk she got last night (but that I had taken photos).
This is a virus infecting my account, a virus that impersonates its user. It has them commenting on every distant interaction happening elsewhere on Facebook, no matter our relation. It knows what we want, offering sex videos, drunk photos and free iPad 2’s. An inside joke is interrupted by my excited suggestion to check out an old classmate’s porno.
Even my best friend clicked on the link for those alleged photos I took of drunken Julia Robins.
She wrote: ‘Come on, an url that starts with facebook.apps?’
I had to do something about it.
‘Alina,’ I write, ‘Alina, I’ve been hacked. Disregard those messages about Julia getting drunk, I don’t care about that! And I promised Ali Zumpano and Alex Cohen a free iPad 2- and I have no idea where to get one.’
I wrote this in such a state that I may have come off unhinged.
Alina didn’t respond for a while and then she wrote:
‘Lol, this is still the virus isn’t it?’
‘No no no dude its me.’
‘What if you’re a computer designed to illicit my sympathy?’
‘You’re a cunt. Your grandmother should be raped. Progeria.’
‘I don’t know, some viruses are pretty sophisticated…’
I think she believed me, but it still seemed the whole time afterwards she was reluctant to tell me anything personal.
To this day, the virus has neither been caught nor stopped.
It still promises lewd photographs to strangers.
It still offers luxurious gadgets to my bitterest enemies.
I wish I could stop it. But there’s something exciting about watching myself destroy every relationship I’ve ever made.

the tea party

none of you

are invited to

the party in my head

I’ll open all the presents

and say thank you to myself

later on I’ll drink too much

I’ll grab my own ass

and wake up in the morning

wishing I was dead


extreme coupons

oh my god I

signed up for three

web based coupon subscriptions

while under the influence of

valium and a sense of inadeqaucy

and now I will flourish

surrounded by discount cleaning supplies

and shredded cheese


today is an exciting day

A Knight’s Tale is on TV

I signed up for coupon subscriptions

and im wearing my best

‘I care about life’

shirt, because today

is an exciting day

it’s unmemorable yet


like complimentary breadsticks


at least

I sent my dad an email
it was heartfelt but direct
apologizing for not attending his christmas dinner
insistent on patching things up for the holidays
and he sent me back
a bank statement
asking how much more money I needed
it made me think at least
there is a poem to be made from this


can it really be that
the malice of others
is mostly caused by
a turtleneck
and a push-up bra?

just for the jews

everytime I grapple
with my jewish faith
I think of the ‘just-for-laughs’ festival in montreal
and I thank them all